someone threw a dead crab at me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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