well I can't set my house on fire every night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
