Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
