One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
