sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
