It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
