im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
