You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I miss vodka workout Fridays
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
