Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
