His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize