I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
