theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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