I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
