I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
