Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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