I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
