If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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