He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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