U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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