after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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