my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
