No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
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Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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