just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
