Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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