I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
