Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
