Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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