I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
