bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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