dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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