i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
