The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
