my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have fence marks all over my body
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
