you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
