I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
