Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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