I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
