So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
