wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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