Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
