i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
