I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
