"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
