The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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