I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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