It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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