are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize