that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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