Your dad touched me again.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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