so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
