You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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