just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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