half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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