Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
