Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
